Category Archives: Geoffrey Citron

Shitty Pipe Diaries – Online Novel

RR Sideshow: Shitty Pipe Diaries (Novel By Geoffrey Citron)

An excerpt from an upcoming novel, Shitty Pipe Diaries, is now online and there’ll be updates regularly. You must check it out, and it reads like a Bret Easton Ellis book.

Craigslist: The Internet’s Times Square of Old

RR Sideshow: Craigslist: The Internet’s Times Square of Old

Before Times Square became a G-Rated theme-park for Midwestern tourists in khaki shorts it was the one-stop-shop for all things shady. Everywhere you turned there were Technicolor-jacket wearing pimps, drug slingers with syringes in one pocket and hard dope in the other, shady topcoat types wearing gold-watch sleeves, and skimped out skag-slaves turning tricks for the price of a cup of coffee. Now the most skin you’ll find on 42nd street is that of a borderline-insane guitarist whose mom forgot to pack his fig-leaf. This isn’t a bad thing of course. I was too young to have been around when Times Square was the center of all things immoral. But I’ve heard the stories. If I had my choice between the Square of old and the Disneyland we have now. I’d take the Disneyland.

But there’s still something almost romantic about the idea of the old Times Square. In its own sick way, that type of jungle added to the charm of the city. It put something in the air – an indescribable grit that added to New York’s unique personality as one of the greatest cities on earth.

Since losing those few blocks of Sodom and Gomorrah youngsters like myself have been left wondering if there will ever be another haven for drugs, prostitution, porn, and just good ol’ fashion shady dealings. For years we’ve been forced to get our fix of morality’s dark-side through television, movies, and rock n’ roll – desperately hoping something would come around and fill the void. Today I am happy to report a new entity has finally come and answered the call – providing people of our generation with its very own Times Square, located right on the good ol’ Internet for all to enjoy regardless of their locale. I am of course talking about, the home of all things shady.

No matter what it is you’re seeking, be it illegal services, sexual deviates, or con-men pitching penny-drop scams, you’re going to be able to find it on Craigslist. Need a hooker for the night? No problem! Just cruise on by the “erotic services” section and you’ll find thousands of ads featuring women pawning themselves at the rate of “300 Roses” an hour. Or let’s say you had a rough day on the job and the back feels as if you just worked on the pyramids – don’t fret, all one has to do is jump in the “community section” and type in words like: pain killers, norco, vicodin, oc, etc., and you’ll be sure to find a plethora of “nice guys” offering a variety pack of prescription drugs at premium rates.

The hunt for shade-balls doesn’t end with illegal activities – that’s just one drop of icing on the overall cake. If vices aren’t really your bag, there’s plenty more one could find on Craigslist. One of my personal favorites is the perverts. Oh boy are their ads side-splitting. Lonely old men looking for young girls to visit their homes after hours with nothing more to offer than their wrinkled birthday suits and a bottle of Korbel they picked up at Bev-Mo. And some of the tastes of these winners are that of those one could only find in a monthly penthouse jerk-book. From foot-fetishes to couples looking for a “little person” to spice things up after hours, it’s all there. If at anytime a curious Judeo-Christian fella wanted to know how the other half lived, all they’d have to do is log onto good ol’ Craigslist… or “CL” to the hard-core user.

It doesn’t end there either, not by a long-shot. There’s also what the “outsider looking in” like myself likes to call, “The Combo Meal”. This is when two forms of degenerate forge together vices with their sexual needs in order to create some sort of “Super Debauchery”. You’ll get an ad from a up-all-night coke-fiend (or “snow bunny” as it’s called on the site) looking for a late-night fix in which she’ll bait lonely men by asking “for a night to ski” or “a 420 friendly place to crash for the night”… etc, etc.

The list goes on and on. Massages being traded for Spanish lessons, brand new electronics still sealed in the box being sold for hundreds less under value, tax free cigarettes, hell even fireworks – whatever you need, there’s some schmuck on Craigslist waiting to answer the call who would normally be arrested at the drop of a dime in the “real world”.

Aside from all the free-flowing crime and sexual deviancy, there’s one other item on the Craigslist forum that really gets me gagging on four-cylinders. It’s these shade-ball “business men” that prey on the needy and naive. Whether it’s some jag-off in Nigeria trying to bait a poor single mom into giving her bank account so she may be a professional “check casher”, or it’s one in the million “Data Entry Scams”, most of these guys want to help no one but themselves and prey on the most desperate of people. Aside from that pond scum, you’ll find the jerks taking advantage of the many actors and actresses in town. You may find a person posing as an agent just trying to get someone to buy new headshots, or some scum-bucket trying to get a girl to do a topless midnight-audition in his studio apartment… no matter the scam or how absurd there’s always going to be someone to play the role of victim.

Which brings me to the reason behind this little rant – there are shady people out there and we can’t stop them all. But we should be able to prevent some of this shit. The Times Square of old was within the confides of reality, you can catch most of the criminals and shut them down promptly… which was done (hence “Times Square of Old”). But the Internet is another animal. There’s thousands of these degenerates popping up everyday and not enough shows on MSNBC to stop them. We (or craigslist) has to make a better effort in educating the users of the site of potential harm. Advertise new scams, flag emails, and show some form of control – because right now it’s a mess on that site.

Granted there are many legitimate postings on “the list” coming from well-intentioned cats with nothing but growth in mind. But after “cruising the lines” it seems the bad far outweighs the good. If “craigslist” a “community” like it claims to be, then I purpose that the good ol’ folks of craigslist perform a street-sweep and wipe the scum off the streets. If the good ol’ folk of CL don’t wanna answer the bell, then we’re forced to decide between two choices: inform those using the site of what’s going on, so they’ll be better prepared to combat it… or let it continue, and sooner or later the slow moving mud will eventually cover one of our heads, or one of those in whom we love…

Geoffrey A. Citron is a contributing writer for (RR).

Hey Buddy, No One Cares Who You Know…

RR Sideshow: Hey Buddy, No One Cares Who You Know…

Living in Los Angeles one encounters quite the cast of characters where ever they turn: from the freaks in Hollywood, to the greasy-haired cell-phone peddlers of the Valley, to the latest Ohio-transplant looking to succeed where so many have failed in “the industry”. It’s all here. Our homeless can cop a SAG card by rolling around Venice on in-lines, vomit-covered bimbos can achieve fame while getting 86’ed from a dive, and people are made into Stars overnight with a cheap camera-phone… Just about anything can happen here in Los Angeles, because hey, we’ve got personality!

But personality only goes so far. Sooner or later novelty wears off; jokes die down, and let’s face it- shit just gets old. I can handle the bums, “out-of-work” actors don’t give me any flack, I don’t mind a gridlock on the 405 from time to time, even the fact it only rains as many times as the seasons change doesn’t salt my balls too badly. But there is one thing about this city growing an ulcer the size of a golf-ball in my stomach that only the likes of Travis Bickle could fathom. The scent of this intangible element of LA is thicker than any of the city’s smog and reeks up a room faster than LA’s finest medicinal grass. I am of course alluding to the one thing this city’s most notorious for – bullshit.

That’s right I said it… Bullshit.

This city is plastered in Bullshit. Bullshit is everywhere you turn and almost unavoidable. It’s around every corner and takes no prejudice or mercy. Los Angeles Bullshit affects all walks of life, creeds, colors, religions, personalities, and professions. And worse of all, it can creep up without warning. If one isn’t careful he can contract and pass-on bullshit to others without knowing it.

Despite what many people think, bullshit will not get you ahead, it won’t land a bed-mate, or attract “the right mix” for “your next project”. Bullshit in the long-term only attracts more bullshit, and it’s all the same no matter how large your budget is.

Really, how many times can I (we) be expected to put up with the same song sang by so many different people? It seems every person I meet is either a producer, from “a very wealthy family”, or has an in with “another guy”. How many times have you heard, “Oh yeah man I’m getting about 40 grand in three weeks or so” or some variation of it? I can’t count on five hands how many people I’ve met who’ve had “production deals” or “money coming in within the week” or “big things popping off”. No matter how different the stories may have been, the result was always the same: “Oh yeah man, things just fell through. Things didn’t work out like they were supposed to.”

There’s no end to the shit that passes peoples throat in this town. Whether it’s a story about a “friend of a friend”, having an “in” at a production house, or even a Craigslist ad looking for “fresh faces”, there’s always an angle. These people keep spitting this bile (sometimes without even knowing it) because they think it will get them ahead, or their over-the-top shit will impress someone worth impressing. When the fact of the matter is, anyone worth impressing doesn’t need whatever these people are peddling. All the lies in town do nothing more than delay, destroy, and annoy. Telling lies in LA has become the new Crack-rock – the payoff is short-lived, nothing is accomplished, and the people doing it are not only a disease of the American way of life, but a dime-a-dozen as well.

Sadly, no matter how counter-productive it may be, the Bullshit in this town will continue on and only get stronger. Bullshit sells a dream, and that’s what this city is all about.

Why do so many continue to pass around these biggie-sized cups of verbal diarrhea actually expecting people to take a sip? It would take a real Scarecrow from Oz to eat half the shit I hear on a given day. Yet bullshit fills the air more than the vehicle omissions?

I’d like to think in most cases many people are keen to the fact they’re being taken for a ride. And they continue to ride the bullshit-train straight to disaster for the hopes of something at the end of the rainbow. It’s that good ol’ fashioned 12 Steppers definition of insanity: to continue a same action expecting different results.

Maybe some people don’t know they’re being lied to? Maybe it takes a few ticks on the odometer before the leather skin starts to grow. Or perhaps I’m right, and people just chew the shit for the hopes of a better life, a free drink, or hell, maybe they just like hearing a good story. Whatever the case may be, things will almost always be harder for everyone (or at least really annoying) as long as this endless stream of shit is allowed to pour out to our city streets.

Whatever the case may be, these lies floating around have to see the light of day and be exposed for what they are. Some people need a little push in the right direction. They have to see that these lies impress no one. We can’t buy into the shit no matter how badly we want to believe. Keep the bullshiters alone, refuse them an audience and they’ll have no reason to continue. Keep their beds cold and their drinks warm, and maybe we can save Los Angeles from becoming a real-life version of Thirty Days of Night – A land of darkness where Vampires flourish where the next victim is just another meal away.

Geoffrey A. Citron is a contributing writer for (RR).

The Stereophonics – "Pull the Pin"

RR Listen: “Pull the Pin”

The Stereophonics have always been a powerful music force across the pond since their 1997 release, “Word Gets Around”, but it wasn’t until 2003 that they began to catch the ears of an American audience. With the release of their smooth-sounding, ballad-filled album “You Gotta Go there To Come Back”, many trendy American filmmakers opted to insert The Stereophonics groovy, retro-rock tracks into films such as Paul Haggis’ Crash and Paul McGuigan’s remake of L’Appartment, Wicker Park – thus introducing The Stereophonics to a whole new market of listeners.

Armed with an American fan-base, The Stereophonics took a stab at a more commercial sound with their 2005 release, “Language. Sex. Violence. Other?” The album was shunned by most fans as a cheap attempt to garner a larger fan-base through cheaping their sound to appease more commercial listeners. Although songs like “Superman” and “Dakota” proved to be hits with your casual listener, the overall tone of the album lacked the gritty sound many fans were used to and left many wondering if The Stereophonic of old would ever return.

Despite much skepticism, The Stereophonics newest release “Pull the Pin” comes through in fine form – perhaps proving to be The Stereophonics finest effort to date. Tracks like “Soilders Make Good Targets” and “Stone” couple past failures with elements that have made The Stereophonics a unique and successful sound for over a decade – showing off their ability to grow as artists – which they certainly have. For fans of the ballads that were so strong in “You Gotta Go there to Come Back”, The Stereophonics answer the call with new classics, “It Means Nothing” and Daisy Lane”.

“Pull the Pin” provides Stereophonics fans new and old with an original, melodic, ear-gasam that is unparalleled by any release as of late. “Pull the Pin” is not only a perfect mixture and showcase of The Stereophonics talents, but perhaps a preview of things to come…

“Pull the Pin is slated for US Release on October 8th 2007”.

Geoffrey A. Citron is a contributing writer for Details magazine.

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